I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
