Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
