Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
