Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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