she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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