I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
