4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
