I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
