Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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