Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
