Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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