I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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