Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
