Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
