handjob tips. give me some.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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