She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
