"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
