I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
