You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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