Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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