Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
