Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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