when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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