Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
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I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Dick very happy bro
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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