To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
