I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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