I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
