I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
