i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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