that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You ruined the universe
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
