Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
