If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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