im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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