i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Houston, we have a squirter
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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