Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
