I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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