8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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