I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I came so hard my ears popped.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
