I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
