What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
