I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
