God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
