Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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