I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My ass is underappreciated
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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