you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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