Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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