It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
