Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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