I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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