my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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