bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
