you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
