I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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