did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
