My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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