just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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